MST3K 815 - Agent for H.A.R.M.
The Movie Synopsis It'a 1966, and aged biochemist Dr. Jan Stefanic is a typical foreign scientist - in that he can choke a man into unconsciousness in three seconds - with one hand. Stefanic narrowly escapes some unidentified Europey country from the pursuing Red Army (population: one). He is carrying spore-forming meteorite fragments (chunks of ordinary asphalt) and he defects to the US, but not before his companion is killed by a gun that shoots said the instant-flesh-eating spores. Now he resides with his lovely Norwegian swimsuit-clad niece Eva in a Section Eight beach house-cum-lab outside San Diego where he is working on a spore antidote. However, a team from the Biological Warfare Commissariat - led by the dweeby, milk-drinking, bow-tie wearing, Peter-Lorre-esque Malko - is planning an attack on American apple pies, and they want the formula for the antidote from Stefanic. The Commies plan to spray the spores on American crops and they are cooking up a batch just across the border. It's either spores or porridge - (they use a big open kettle and a ladle with no gloves, face masks, or any other protection against the spores that can instantly eat your face off). Also, niece Eva is secretly talking to Malko's team through her twenty-dollar off-the-shelf portable record player. Enter Adam Chance (scary-looking Mark Richman), agent for H.A.R.M. (Human Aetiological Relations Machine - Worst. Acronym. Ever). Chance is sent by boss Jim Grant (the aphasic, apparently plastered Wendell Corey) to investigate the suspicious death of Stefanic's uber-nerd lab assistant. Adam soon arrives on the scene to kick ass and flirt with Eva in an age-inappropriate manner. See Chance drive well within the speed limit in his totally hideous beige convertible. Thrill as Chance wields his arsenal of "cool" high-tech devices, such as the department store Norelco electric shaver we are intended to believe is a sound recorder and the "transistorcom with sonar tracing beam" location device. Watch Adam whiz around on his girly motorcycle and maintain appliances. Most of all, reflect how a yellow cardigan adds a minimum of twenty-five years to your apparent age. Four areas of this made-for-TV pilot are especially loathsome. First, we are expected to believe that because they are members of a spy agency, Adam and his boss are automatically irresistible to all women twenty to thirty years their junior. Thus, Adam's cadaver-like boss is supposedly dating his secretary, and the youthful Eva is forced to kiss Chance (Mark Richman), who is not only old enough to be her father but also is not good-looking, and furthermore, has no lips to speak of. Second is the pitiably implausible nature of the techno devices invented for the film. Come on - spore guns? there are really no advantages to guns that shoot spores over regular guns and definite disadvantages, such as range and reloading. What is the purpose of having Adam wear a "pulseometer" - a hideous gadget attached to his wrist that supposedly transmits his living-or-dead-status in real time back to H.A.R.M., unless he has real cardiac problems? In addition, if they budgeted more than $50 for the record-player and Norelco shaver (see above) I would be surprised. Third, there is the pathetic nature of the vehicles and guns are agent is forced to employ. They are uniformly drab or underpowered and convey not one watt of excitement or competence. Fourth is wardrobe. Eva wears the same bikini in every scene she is in and doesn't get even one other outfit. When on his "hog", Chance wears, as eye protection, what appears to be a bizarre set of welder's goggles secured by a thick brown behind-the-head strap. Best of all, our sexy spy sports a canary-yellow cardigan sweater for much of the action scenes. Still, you will have to see for yourself if Adam is able to prevent the epicene Commies from obtaining the formula for the antidote and poisoning our orchards. Will he ever take off that cardigan? Information *Produced as a television pilot for a new spy series, it was given a theatrical release instead. *H.A.R.M. stands for "Human Aetiological Relations Machine." "Aetiology" is a British variant of "etiology," which is the branch of medical science concerned with causes and origins of diseases. This full wording is seen at the top of the world map in the very last scene of the movie. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060074/trivia The Episode Host Segments Obscure References Notes *Patrick Brantseg's first appearance as Gypsy. Category:MST3K Episodes Category:Season 8